I Was Lost, but Now I'm Found

There has been quite a gap since I last posted anything. These past few months have been difficult, and I get into certain mindframes where writing is next to impossible. I have little motivation to do much of anything, so what energy I have goes to my daughters.

I could go so far as to say I am prone to depression, especially when life gets really overwhelming. When I can't help, but think to myself, "how did I get to this place where I feel so lost and far from where I want to be?" I hate feeling like that, I hate looking at my life and knowing the precise moments where choices were made; choices that have led me somewhere I would rather not be. It's not even about regret, it's just the knowing...and having to accept that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. Because if I don't, if I don't just accept it, I will find it that much harder to smile when one of my sweet little girls need me to. Not that any of this has to do with them, but when you have children, you need to smile back at them; they tend to take things personally.

Who is This Person?

I feel as though this is not me. The essence that is ME does not have trouble getting out of bed and does not find it hard to laugh at herself or the random things that life throws her way. I truly believe in my heart of hearts that life is for living and being in the moment. And I believe that we are all on a journey, and there are messages and lessons, and we all have something to give and receive in this life. I know this truth like it has been imprinted on my soul.

I think that if you can't find something to be grateful for, every minute of every day, whenever you need to, then something needs to change. And I generally believe that it's mostly just our frame of mind that makes everyone so miserable. It's not that I think we should always be happy. There are many things that make me sad and angry on any given day; these are normal human emotions. The problem is that when I am feeling like this, the way I had been until recently, I can't even do that. I can't shed a tear. That is when I know I'm in trouble.

My general motto for life is that if you don't like something; be it in your life or the world or in your own head or heart, and you have the power to do something about it, then do it. If you don't have the power to do anything, then worrying about it or even spending much time thinking about it will only lead to frustration, anxiety, depression, and acute helplessness; feelings which then spill over into other aspects of your life that you can do something about. Put another way, there's this very famous poem, written by a guy named Reinhold Niebuhr; I'm sure most of you have heard it;

"God, 

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

Courage to change the things I can, 

And wisdom to know the difference."

Serenity Now!

Now, in case you are reading this (and maybe this will now be the last time you ever read anything I write) and you are among the many people who believe I need a religion to talk to God/Goddess/the Universe/Buddha/Jesus/Man-on-the-moon, I am here to tell you, that is simply not true. I have been told that it is impossible; that if I don't subscribe to a particular religious dogma (and I better pick the right one) then I cannot possibly claim to believe in anything. But, my friends, I can. Because I am here. And I do. 

I have seen the light so to speak; I have felt it. It is just not a light that belongs to anyone. It belongs to no one, and it belongs to all of us. I am one of those crazy people who actually believes that it is all the same (gasp!). That every word for God means the same. That every sad, lost person fighting with their neighbor over the right word is just that; lost. Because none of that matters. Just be strong enough within yourself to know what is right for you, and allow everyone else to do the same. 

There. Did you see that? I just solved all the world's problems in ten seconds. This doesn't just go for religion, by the way. It goes for cultures, race, and sexual orientation. How people treat their own children and husbands and wives. If we could all just stop trying so hard to be right all the time, we would look into this person's eyes who we want to kill or scold or deny or scream at, and we would see their humanity, their pain, their fear, their need for acceptance. Most of all, we would see the LOVE that is there in all of us. We are all children of the universe and the stars, and one day we will be stars again...

That's all for tonight; I'm leaving my confession booth and going to bed. Next to my children. Because in addition to being a crazy heathen lunatic hippy, I am an Attachment Parent! Nothing extreme about it, by the way...it's just about loving your children fully, and wholly, and without fear. I love Bill Sears, but you know what? I think I hate that label. Then again, I don't much care for any of the labels we put on each other and on ourselves, so why should this be any different?