The Path to Awareness Has Potholes

As promised, I am going to discuss Point One of The Seven Points of Mind Training. This is, I believe, a fairly simple thing to understand, at least compared to the rest. I figured this stuff out a long time ago, but it's nice to be reminded. Growing up, daily undeserved criticism and powerlessness were a WAY OF LIFE. So it is sometimes hard to recognize when I am not treating others the way I want to be treated, but it is something I have realized about myself and am working on.

What I really feel the need to cultivate is patience; this is not something that comes easily to me. Every time I catch myself, and realize that what I am about to say will not bring love or positive energy to the situation, I have won a small victory over my past. I have made that little path towards peace in my brain just a bit more trodden, and the freeway of rage and helplessness just a bit less congested. I know that the next time it will be just a tiny bit easier.

This isn't about repressing anything. It is about being completely WIDE AWAKE and IN THE MOMENT when I want to lose myself, and instead recognizing that THERE IS NOTHING TO BE ANGRY ABOUT, and that even when there is a good reason to be angry, since anger is, after all, a naturally occurring human emotion that leads to change where change is needed, there are many more effective ways of expressing it than screaming. This goes back to my first post, when I discussed being the change I wish to see in the world and consequently, my life. The overall goal being a daily ritual and creation of a loving, safe place for my family to grow. I have to model the kind of person I wish them to be. For me, there is really no other choice.

Plant your feet.

But not too hard.

So, back to the point, specifically, POINT ONE, which states: The Preliminaries, which are the basis for the dharma practice. Within this first point, there is only one slogan: First, train in the preliminaries; the four reminders, which are:

1. Maintain an awareness of the preciousness of human life. I believe that this means that every life is precious; every person deserves to feel relatively safe and secure. Deserves to live within the freedom that I am searching for myself. I don't know how realistic this is, but I have never been one to give up in the face of something that seems impossible. I also feel the need to extend this to all living things; animals, plants, oceans, the air, and most important of all, our mother; the Earth. We are all connected to each other and reliant on every single other living thing on this planet, as well as the planet itself. When more people realise this, that is when we will really begin to see the deep, profound changes that are so desperately needed.
2. Impermanence; be aware of the reality that life ends; death comes for everyone. This one is easy for me; always has been. I was that kid; very anxious. Always afraid that something would happen to my parents, or someone else I loved, every time they left the house. ALWAYS AFRAID OF EVERYTHING. I have actually had to work on bringing myself a step or two back from this awareness, so that it no longer has the power to paralyze me. It used to keep me up at night; this dark thing that would grow and grow, coming to rest stubbornly in my stomach. I could barely breath. I worked long and hard to vanquish that demon, yet it still lurks on the periphery, just waiting for the opportunity to get back in and make itself at home. I admit to letting it sometimes, but never like before.
3. Karma; recall that whatever you do, whether virtuous or not, has a result. I feel like this speaks for itself. I believe this wholeheartedly, and have seen the truth of it many times. This is true not only for the actions we take, but also the words we speak, and the thoughts we think. Everything is energy, and we are responsible for what we are contributing to the world around us. I feel like this is one of those LIFE LESSONS that should be taught religiously in every school and to little children, the way some teach the alphabet, and shouted from rooftops; EVERYTHING YOU DO HAS AN AFFECT ON THE WORLD AROUND YOU, therefore everything you do affects you to.
4. Ego; contemplate that as long as you are too focused on self-importance and too caught up in thinking about how you are good or bad, you will suffer. Obsessing about getting what you want and avoiding what you don't want does not result in happiness. No kidding, right? Easier said than done, of course. Who doesn't know someone who is so caught up in the right and wrong way to do everything that they drive themselves and everyone around them absolutely crazy? Those are the extreme cases, but the majority of people suffer from this to some degree. This is fighting about religion. This is every stupid argument I have ever been in. This is where pettiness comes to play. 

And that's it! That is Point One and the first Slogan. Now that I have seen it in writing again, I am going to spend a few days really focusing on this. Especially the last two. What challenges do you recognize in yourself here?

"...grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

And so we begin

Hello everyone, hello no one, hello me.

I am writing this for anyone interested, but mostly I am writing this for myself. I have been pondering this for a year and a half; ever since my twin daughters were oh so tiny newborns. I write in my head all the time. It has taken me this long to try to ACTUALLY write it down. This is just one of those things that I need to do, but have been putting off for way too long...why do we always avoid what is good for us? I could exercise while they nap, or I could avoid it by watching something lame on TV...or tell myself I need to start dinner. I know I shouldn't have eaten those extra cookies...but someone else bought them and if I eat them, then they won't be there to taunt me. And I really don't want the girls adopting my horrible addiction, so it's better if I just eat them myself...never mind that they are likely getting a good dose through my breast milk...maybe one does make chocolate....

Here we are; Ava, Stella, and their desperate Mama. One day out of the NICU, trying to keep the jaundice at bay in the hopes that "evil nurses" won't re-admit them. I say "evil nurses" with a small bit of irony, but mostly honesty. One day I might be able to tell that story, but today is not that day.

And so on and so on. So tonight it is one of those nights when they went to bed way to late, so I, in turn will be going to bed way too late. No matter how tired I feel, it is just so hard to say goodbye to the day with all of those undone things listing away in my head. "I promised myself I would never go to bed with a messy kitchen/living room/playroom," what a nice thought, but after a day of playing, chasing, cuddling, tidying, cooking, etc., etc., and it's 10:00 PM and they are finally ready to go night night, and no, I don't feel like doing ANYTHING other than forgetting myself in front of some mindless, soul sucking television. 

Yes, I generally believe that TV is a mindless, soul-sucking waste of time. And yet I am guilty of indulging just a bit too much. I am guilty of using it as a babysitter so that I can finish dinner so that just this once we can actually eat dinner before 8:00 PM. I am guilty of many things. I don't really like guilt; I have seen it destroy way too many days that could have been spent doing something else. I've seen it destroy lives. I am generally not a guilty person. I have regrets, but nothing major, and nothing I allow myself to dwell on. But the guilt is there...

I feel guilty for doing things/saying things/allowing my children to eat things/allowing others to do things to my children that I KNOW AT THE TIME IS NOT HEALTHY. I would love to say I stand up for everything I believe in, especially when it comes to my kids. But I am GUILTY of being too scared to do so. Scared like-a-little-kid SCARED. And so then I feel SHAME. This is not a nice feeling either; SHAME because I was too SCARED to stand up for my children. So then I feel GUILTY for all of the damage I fear I am doing/allowing to be done. Silly? Maybe. Well, probably. But when you are trying to forge ahead into somewhat uncharted territory, when the way you parent is as foreign to most of the people around you as a new-found language or an alien would be, well, it's hard. PARENTING IS HARD enough. When you feel like you are fighting your way upstream, but continue because you know it is the RIGHT DIRECTION for you, well that is even harder.

Do I think these things matter? Yes, I do...but the real question is, do I think these things matter more than, say, how I talk to my children? No. Or how I talk to my husband, particularly in front of my children? No. Or how I have made it my personal mission to do everything I can to make sure they grow up to be happy, and healthy, and more than anything, FREE. Free to BE THEMSELVES. Free to LEAD when they need to and FOLLOW when they need to. Free to FOLLOW THEIR DREAMS, WHATEVER THEY MAY BE. Free to TRY. Free to FALL. Free to GET BACK UP. Free to LEARN AS THEY GO. 

This is what I want. Yet how can I do that when I am so far from free myself? What kind of example am I setting? I truly believe Gandhi's words, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." So this is me working on it. This is me trying to do something more constructive with my time. This is me TRYING. And that's all anyone can do, isn't it? So let's just do our best, shall we?

My next entry will be all about the first slogan of Point One of the Root Text of Mind Training, from Lojong in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition. What a mouth-full. And away we go...