What I Say to Pro-Spankers

"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed."

--Albert Einstein

First, I want to state that this absolutely IS a rant. At some point, I will likely write about the many, many things I do instead of spanking, but this is not that post. This is in response to all of the insane arguments I read in defense of spanking. I am so tired of hearing the same damn excuses over and over, it really is getting old. And rather than waste my time typing out all the same argument against these excuses, I will simply post this, and I really don't give a damn who I insult! I don't give a damn who feels judged either, because guess what? If you hit your children AND try to justify it, I am judging you!!! I realise that this is quite un-zen of me, however I feel that this topic is quite worth it.
So hear I go.

What's in a name

Spanking.bopping.slapping.smacking; it is ALL THE SAME and IT IS ALL ABUSE; I don't care what you tell yourself so you can sleep at night. I am so, so sick of the excuses and justifications, that I don't even care who I offend, because frankly, you offend me.

I turned out ok

Just because your parents spanked you, and you THINK you turned out alright, does NOT make it true and DOES NOT make it right. Spanking teaches kids to be bullies by showing them that they should hit someone who does not do what they want them to do, particularly those who are smaller than them. If you need an example of this, turn on the news, or better yet, look in the mirror. Growing up to hit people who are vulnerable and smaller than you is a perfect example of how you did not turn out ok.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. find out what it means to me

Just because you are confusing fear and intimidation with respect, does not actually mean they are the same thing. If you want to teach respect you have to give it, there is no other way. Let me reiterate; FEAR AND RESPECT ARE NOT THE SAME.

Semantics

Look it up; discipline means "to teach," which actually has nothing to do with punishment.

Spanking = Assault = Abuse

Yes, I can and do compare it to spousal abuse and assault. It is only the law (in some countries) reflecting a very sick aspect of society, that says there is a difference. Adults can leave or get help, whereas children are relying on YOU to show them WHAT LOVE MEANS, and provide them with protection, shelter, food, and comfort. Also, they are smaller than you and at your mercy. So yeah, I guess it IS completely different.

Lazy much?

There are so many other options out there. Do you actually WANT to hit your precious little child? This gift from the universe? If so, you ARE a bully and should not be allowed the privilege of having any. If not, do some research. There are studies, books, websites, doctors, books on CD, seminars, and videos. There is so much information out there. So much help, guidance, ideas, and knowledge. The world is round; if we all just blindly did what our parents did we would still be living in caves. It's just plain laziness, and it's ridiculous.

Out-of-control brats

It's MY children who are running around disturbing you???? It's PEOPLE LIKE ME who are raising undisciplined brats, and that is "the problem with kids today"??? Riiiiight. Let's get this straight; 90% of parents today admit to spanking their children. Of the ten percent who don't, an even smaller number of us are practicing gentle, respectful discipline which involves no actual punishment or rewards whatsoever. Yet child on child violence, depression, teen suicide, youth crime, delinquency, and mental health issues are at epidemic numbers in North America and that is just among children, not to mention members of my own generation and older. Factor in the entire population and we are looking at a very sick society with a lot of "discipline issues." But yeah, it's TOTALLY because of the unfortunately small number of us who woke up and realized that something is fundamentally broken and if we are going to fix it, we need to drastically change the way we are raising our kids. THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE.

Speaking from experience

I have 25 month old twins. They are sensitive, high-spirited, rambunctious, AMAZING little girls who have never been punished, yet can sit in a restaurant without tearing it apart or ruining anyone else's dinner.

Thank you.

Here is something beautiful to counteract the above:

The Prophet on Children

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

--Kahlil Gibran

I Was Lost, but Now I'm Found

There has been quite a gap since I last posted anything. These past few months have been difficult, and I get into certain mindframes where writing is next to impossible. I have little motivation to do much of anything, so what energy I have goes to my daughters.

I could go so far as to say I am prone to depression, especially when life gets really overwhelming. When I can't help, but think to myself, "how did I get to this place where I feel so lost and far from where I want to be?" I hate feeling like that, I hate looking at my life and knowing the precise moments where choices were made; choices that have led me somewhere I would rather not be. It's not even about regret, it's just the knowing...and having to accept that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. Because if I don't, if I don't just accept it, I will find it that much harder to smile when one of my sweet little girls need me to. Not that any of this has to do with them, but when you have children, you need to smile back at them; they tend to take things personally.

Who is This Person?

I feel as though this is not me. The essence that is ME does not have trouble getting out of bed and does not find it hard to laugh at herself or the random things that life throws her way. I truly believe in my heart of hearts that life is for living and being in the moment. And I believe that we are all on a journey, and there are messages and lessons, and we all have something to give and receive in this life. I know this truth like it has been imprinted on my soul.

I think that if you can't find something to be grateful for, every minute of every day, whenever you need to, then something needs to change. And I generally believe that it's mostly just our frame of mind that makes everyone so miserable. It's not that I think we should always be happy. There are many things that make me sad and angry on any given day; these are normal human emotions. The problem is that when I am feeling like this, the way I had been until recently, I can't even do that. I can't shed a tear. That is when I know I'm in trouble.

My general motto for life is that if you don't like something; be it in your life or the world or in your own head or heart, and you have the power to do something about it, then do it. If you don't have the power to do anything, then worrying about it or even spending much time thinking about it will only lead to frustration, anxiety, depression, and acute helplessness; feelings which then spill over into other aspects of your life that you can do something about. Put another way, there's this very famous poem, written by a guy named Reinhold Niebuhr; I'm sure most of you have heard it;

"God, 

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

Courage to change the things I can, 

And wisdom to know the difference."

Serenity Now!

Now, in case you are reading this (and maybe this will now be the last time you ever read anything I write) and you are among the many people who believe I need a religion to talk to God/Goddess/the Universe/Buddha/Jesus/Man-on-the-moon, I am here to tell you, that is simply not true. I have been told that it is impossible; that if I don't subscribe to a particular religious dogma (and I better pick the right one) then I cannot possibly claim to believe in anything. But, my friends, I can. Because I am here. And I do. 

I have seen the light so to speak; I have felt it. It is just not a light that belongs to anyone. It belongs to no one, and it belongs to all of us. I am one of those crazy people who actually believes that it is all the same (gasp!). That every word for God means the same. That every sad, lost person fighting with their neighbor over the right word is just that; lost. Because none of that matters. Just be strong enough within yourself to know what is right for you, and allow everyone else to do the same. 

There. Did you see that? I just solved all the world's problems in ten seconds. This doesn't just go for religion, by the way. It goes for cultures, race, and sexual orientation. How people treat their own children and husbands and wives. If we could all just stop trying so hard to be right all the time, we would look into this person's eyes who we want to kill or scold or deny or scream at, and we would see their humanity, their pain, their fear, their need for acceptance. Most of all, we would see the LOVE that is there in all of us. We are all children of the universe and the stars, and one day we will be stars again...

That's all for tonight; I'm leaving my confession booth and going to bed. Next to my children. Because in addition to being a crazy heathen lunatic hippy, I am an Attachment Parent! Nothing extreme about it, by the way...it's just about loving your children fully, and wholly, and without fear. I love Bill Sears, but you know what? I think I hate that label. Then again, I don't much care for any of the labels we put on each other and on ourselves, so why should this be any different?

The Path to Awareness Has Potholes

As promised, I am going to discuss Point One of The Seven Points of Mind Training. This is, I believe, a fairly simple thing to understand, at least compared to the rest. I figured this stuff out a long time ago, but it's nice to be reminded. Growing up, daily undeserved criticism and powerlessness were a WAY OF LIFE. So it is sometimes hard to recognize when I am not treating others the way I want to be treated, but it is something I have realized about myself and am working on.

What I really feel the need to cultivate is patience; this is not something that comes easily to me. Every time I catch myself, and realize that what I am about to say will not bring love or positive energy to the situation, I have won a small victory over my past. I have made that little path towards peace in my brain just a bit more trodden, and the freeway of rage and helplessness just a bit less congested. I know that the next time it will be just a tiny bit easier.

This isn't about repressing anything. It is about being completely WIDE AWAKE and IN THE MOMENT when I want to lose myself, and instead recognizing that THERE IS NOTHING TO BE ANGRY ABOUT, and that even when there is a good reason to be angry, since anger is, after all, a naturally occurring human emotion that leads to change where change is needed, there are many more effective ways of expressing it than screaming. This goes back to my first post, when I discussed being the change I wish to see in the world and consequently, my life. The overall goal being a daily ritual and creation of a loving, safe place for my family to grow. I have to model the kind of person I wish them to be. For me, there is really no other choice.

Plant your feet.

But not too hard.

So, back to the point, specifically, POINT ONE, which states: The Preliminaries, which are the basis for the dharma practice. Within this first point, there is only one slogan: First, train in the preliminaries; the four reminders, which are:

1. Maintain an awareness of the preciousness of human life. I believe that this means that every life is precious; every person deserves to feel relatively safe and secure. Deserves to live within the freedom that I am searching for myself. I don't know how realistic this is, but I have never been one to give up in the face of something that seems impossible. I also feel the need to extend this to all living things; animals, plants, oceans, the air, and most important of all, our mother; the Earth. We are all connected to each other and reliant on every single other living thing on this planet, as well as the planet itself. When more people realise this, that is when we will really begin to see the deep, profound changes that are so desperately needed.
2. Impermanence; be aware of the reality that life ends; death comes for everyone. This one is easy for me; always has been. I was that kid; very anxious. Always afraid that something would happen to my parents, or someone else I loved, every time they left the house. ALWAYS AFRAID OF EVERYTHING. I have actually had to work on bringing myself a step or two back from this awareness, so that it no longer has the power to paralyze me. It used to keep me up at night; this dark thing that would grow and grow, coming to rest stubbornly in my stomach. I could barely breath. I worked long and hard to vanquish that demon, yet it still lurks on the periphery, just waiting for the opportunity to get back in and make itself at home. I admit to letting it sometimes, but never like before.
3. Karma; recall that whatever you do, whether virtuous or not, has a result. I feel like this speaks for itself. I believe this wholeheartedly, and have seen the truth of it many times. This is true not only for the actions we take, but also the words we speak, and the thoughts we think. Everything is energy, and we are responsible for what we are contributing to the world around us. I feel like this is one of those LIFE LESSONS that should be taught religiously in every school and to little children, the way some teach the alphabet, and shouted from rooftops; EVERYTHING YOU DO HAS AN AFFECT ON THE WORLD AROUND YOU, therefore everything you do affects you to.
4. Ego; contemplate that as long as you are too focused on self-importance and too caught up in thinking about how you are good or bad, you will suffer. Obsessing about getting what you want and avoiding what you don't want does not result in happiness. No kidding, right? Easier said than done, of course. Who doesn't know someone who is so caught up in the right and wrong way to do everything that they drive themselves and everyone around them absolutely crazy? Those are the extreme cases, but the majority of people suffer from this to some degree. This is fighting about religion. This is every stupid argument I have ever been in. This is where pettiness comes to play. 

And that's it! That is Point One and the first Slogan. Now that I have seen it in writing again, I am going to spend a few days really focusing on this. Especially the last two. What challenges do you recognize in yourself here?

"...grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

And so we begin

Hello everyone, hello no one, hello me.

I am writing this for anyone interested, but mostly I am writing this for myself. I have been pondering this for a year and a half; ever since my twin daughters were oh so tiny newborns. I write in my head all the time. It has taken me this long to try to ACTUALLY write it down. This is just one of those things that I need to do, but have been putting off for way too long...why do we always avoid what is good for us? I could exercise while they nap, or I could avoid it by watching something lame on TV...or tell myself I need to start dinner. I know I shouldn't have eaten those extra cookies...but someone else bought them and if I eat them, then they won't be there to taunt me. And I really don't want the girls adopting my horrible addiction, so it's better if I just eat them myself...never mind that they are likely getting a good dose through my breast milk...maybe one does make chocolate....

Here we are; Ava, Stella, and their desperate Mama. One day out of the NICU, trying to keep the jaundice at bay in the hopes that "evil nurses" won't re-admit them. I say "evil nurses" with a small bit of irony, but mostly honesty. One day I might be able to tell that story, but today is not that day.

And so on and so on. So tonight it is one of those nights when they went to bed way to late, so I, in turn will be going to bed way too late. No matter how tired I feel, it is just so hard to say goodbye to the day with all of those undone things listing away in my head. "I promised myself I would never go to bed with a messy kitchen/living room/playroom," what a nice thought, but after a day of playing, chasing, cuddling, tidying, cooking, etc., etc., and it's 10:00 PM and they are finally ready to go night night, and no, I don't feel like doing ANYTHING other than forgetting myself in front of some mindless, soul sucking television. 

Yes, I generally believe that TV is a mindless, soul-sucking waste of time. And yet I am guilty of indulging just a bit too much. I am guilty of using it as a babysitter so that I can finish dinner so that just this once we can actually eat dinner before 8:00 PM. I am guilty of many things. I don't really like guilt; I have seen it destroy way too many days that could have been spent doing something else. I've seen it destroy lives. I am generally not a guilty person. I have regrets, but nothing major, and nothing I allow myself to dwell on. But the guilt is there...

I feel guilty for doing things/saying things/allowing my children to eat things/allowing others to do things to my children that I KNOW AT THE TIME IS NOT HEALTHY. I would love to say I stand up for everything I believe in, especially when it comes to my kids. But I am GUILTY of being too scared to do so. Scared like-a-little-kid SCARED. And so then I feel SHAME. This is not a nice feeling either; SHAME because I was too SCARED to stand up for my children. So then I feel GUILTY for all of the damage I fear I am doing/allowing to be done. Silly? Maybe. Well, probably. But when you are trying to forge ahead into somewhat uncharted territory, when the way you parent is as foreign to most of the people around you as a new-found language or an alien would be, well, it's hard. PARENTING IS HARD enough. When you feel like you are fighting your way upstream, but continue because you know it is the RIGHT DIRECTION for you, well that is even harder.

Do I think these things matter? Yes, I do...but the real question is, do I think these things matter more than, say, how I talk to my children? No. Or how I talk to my husband, particularly in front of my children? No. Or how I have made it my personal mission to do everything I can to make sure they grow up to be happy, and healthy, and more than anything, FREE. Free to BE THEMSELVES. Free to LEAD when they need to and FOLLOW when they need to. Free to FOLLOW THEIR DREAMS, WHATEVER THEY MAY BE. Free to TRY. Free to FALL. Free to GET BACK UP. Free to LEARN AS THEY GO. 

This is what I want. Yet how can I do that when I am so far from free myself? What kind of example am I setting? I truly believe Gandhi's words, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." So this is me working on it. This is me trying to do something more constructive with my time. This is me TRYING. And that's all anyone can do, isn't it? So let's just do our best, shall we?

My next entry will be all about the first slogan of Point One of the Root Text of Mind Training, from Lojong in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition. What a mouth-full. And away we go...