I Was Lost, but Now I'm Found

There has been quite a gap since I last posted anything. These past few months have been difficult, and I get into certain mindframes where writing is next to impossible. I have little motivation to do much of anything, so what energy I have goes to my daughters.

I could go so far as to say I am prone to depression, especially when life gets really overwhelming. When I can't help, but think to myself, "how did I get to this place where I feel so lost and far from where I want to be?" I hate feeling like that, I hate looking at my life and knowing the precise moments where choices were made; choices that have led me somewhere I would rather not be. It's not even about regret, it's just the knowing...and having to accept that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. Because if I don't, if I don't just accept it, I will find it that much harder to smile when one of my sweet little girls need me to. Not that any of this has to do with them, but when you have children, you need to smile back at them; they tend to take things personally.

Who is This Person?

I feel as though this is not me. The essence that is ME does not have trouble getting out of bed and does not find it hard to laugh at herself or the random things that life throws her way. I truly believe in my heart of hearts that life is for living and being in the moment. And I believe that we are all on a journey, and there are messages and lessons, and we all have something to give and receive in this life. I know this truth like it has been imprinted on my soul.

I think that if you can't find something to be grateful for, every minute of every day, whenever you need to, then something needs to change. And I generally believe that it's mostly just our frame of mind that makes everyone so miserable. It's not that I think we should always be happy. There are many things that make me sad and angry on any given day; these are normal human emotions. The problem is that when I am feeling like this, the way I had been until recently, I can't even do that. I can't shed a tear. That is when I know I'm in trouble.

My general motto for life is that if you don't like something; be it in your life or the world or in your own head or heart, and you have the power to do something about it, then do it. If you don't have the power to do anything, then worrying about it or even spending much time thinking about it will only lead to frustration, anxiety, depression, and acute helplessness; feelings which then spill over into other aspects of your life that you can do something about. Put another way, there's this very famous poem, written by a guy named Reinhold Niebuhr; I'm sure most of you have heard it;

"God, 

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

Courage to change the things I can, 

And wisdom to know the difference."

Serenity Now!

Now, in case you are reading this (and maybe this will now be the last time you ever read anything I write) and you are among the many people who believe I need a religion to talk to God/Goddess/the Universe/Buddha/Jesus/Man-on-the-moon, I am here to tell you, that is simply not true. I have been told that it is impossible; that if I don't subscribe to a particular religious dogma (and I better pick the right one) then I cannot possibly claim to believe in anything. But, my friends, I can. Because I am here. And I do. 

I have seen the light so to speak; I have felt it. It is just not a light that belongs to anyone. It belongs to no one, and it belongs to all of us. I am one of those crazy people who actually believes that it is all the same (gasp!). That every word for God means the same. That every sad, lost person fighting with their neighbor over the right word is just that; lost. Because none of that matters. Just be strong enough within yourself to know what is right for you, and allow everyone else to do the same. 

There. Did you see that? I just solved all the world's problems in ten seconds. This doesn't just go for religion, by the way. It goes for cultures, race, and sexual orientation. How people treat their own children and husbands and wives. If we could all just stop trying so hard to be right all the time, we would look into this person's eyes who we want to kill or scold or deny or scream at, and we would see their humanity, their pain, their fear, their need for acceptance. Most of all, we would see the LOVE that is there in all of us. We are all children of the universe and the stars, and one day we will be stars again...

That's all for tonight; I'm leaving my confession booth and going to bed. Next to my children. Because in addition to being a crazy heathen lunatic hippy, I am an Attachment Parent! Nothing extreme about it, by the way...it's just about loving your children fully, and wholly, and without fear. I love Bill Sears, but you know what? I think I hate that label. Then again, I don't much care for any of the labels we put on each other and on ourselves, so why should this be any different?

And so we begin

Hello everyone, hello no one, hello me.

I am writing this for anyone interested, but mostly I am writing this for myself. I have been pondering this for a year and a half; ever since my twin daughters were oh so tiny newborns. I write in my head all the time. It has taken me this long to try to ACTUALLY write it down. This is just one of those things that I need to do, but have been putting off for way too long...why do we always avoid what is good for us? I could exercise while they nap, or I could avoid it by watching something lame on TV...or tell myself I need to start dinner. I know I shouldn't have eaten those extra cookies...but someone else bought them and if I eat them, then they won't be there to taunt me. And I really don't want the girls adopting my horrible addiction, so it's better if I just eat them myself...never mind that they are likely getting a good dose through my breast milk...maybe one does make chocolate....

Here we are; Ava, Stella, and their desperate Mama. One day out of the NICU, trying to keep the jaundice at bay in the hopes that "evil nurses" won't re-admit them. I say "evil nurses" with a small bit of irony, but mostly honesty. One day I might be able to tell that story, but today is not that day.

And so on and so on. So tonight it is one of those nights when they went to bed way to late, so I, in turn will be going to bed way too late. No matter how tired I feel, it is just so hard to say goodbye to the day with all of those undone things listing away in my head. "I promised myself I would never go to bed with a messy kitchen/living room/playroom," what a nice thought, but after a day of playing, chasing, cuddling, tidying, cooking, etc., etc., and it's 10:00 PM and they are finally ready to go night night, and no, I don't feel like doing ANYTHING other than forgetting myself in front of some mindless, soul sucking television. 

Yes, I generally believe that TV is a mindless, soul-sucking waste of time. And yet I am guilty of indulging just a bit too much. I am guilty of using it as a babysitter so that I can finish dinner so that just this once we can actually eat dinner before 8:00 PM. I am guilty of many things. I don't really like guilt; I have seen it destroy way too many days that could have been spent doing something else. I've seen it destroy lives. I am generally not a guilty person. I have regrets, but nothing major, and nothing I allow myself to dwell on. But the guilt is there...

I feel guilty for doing things/saying things/allowing my children to eat things/allowing others to do things to my children that I KNOW AT THE TIME IS NOT HEALTHY. I would love to say I stand up for everything I believe in, especially when it comes to my kids. But I am GUILTY of being too scared to do so. Scared like-a-little-kid SCARED. And so then I feel SHAME. This is not a nice feeling either; SHAME because I was too SCARED to stand up for my children. So then I feel GUILTY for all of the damage I fear I am doing/allowing to be done. Silly? Maybe. Well, probably. But when you are trying to forge ahead into somewhat uncharted territory, when the way you parent is as foreign to most of the people around you as a new-found language or an alien would be, well, it's hard. PARENTING IS HARD enough. When you feel like you are fighting your way upstream, but continue because you know it is the RIGHT DIRECTION for you, well that is even harder.

Do I think these things matter? Yes, I do...but the real question is, do I think these things matter more than, say, how I talk to my children? No. Or how I talk to my husband, particularly in front of my children? No. Or how I have made it my personal mission to do everything I can to make sure they grow up to be happy, and healthy, and more than anything, FREE. Free to BE THEMSELVES. Free to LEAD when they need to and FOLLOW when they need to. Free to FOLLOW THEIR DREAMS, WHATEVER THEY MAY BE. Free to TRY. Free to FALL. Free to GET BACK UP. Free to LEARN AS THEY GO. 

This is what I want. Yet how can I do that when I am so far from free myself? What kind of example am I setting? I truly believe Gandhi's words, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." So this is me working on it. This is me trying to do something more constructive with my time. This is me TRYING. And that's all anyone can do, isn't it? So let's just do our best, shall we?

My next entry will be all about the first slogan of Point One of the Root Text of Mind Training, from Lojong in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition. What a mouth-full. And away we go...