And so we begin

Hello everyone, hello no one, hello me.

I am writing this for anyone interested, but mostly I am writing this for myself. I have been pondering this for a year and a half; ever since my twin daughters were oh so tiny newborns. I write in my head all the time. It has taken me this long to try to ACTUALLY write it down. This is just one of those things that I need to do, but have been putting off for way too long...why do we always avoid what is good for us? I could exercise while they nap, or I could avoid it by watching something lame on TV...or tell myself I need to start dinner. I know I shouldn't have eaten those extra cookies...but someone else bought them and if I eat them, then they won't be there to taunt me. And I really don't want the girls adopting my horrible addiction, so it's better if I just eat them myself...never mind that they are likely getting a good dose through my breast milk...maybe one does make chocolate....

Here we are; Ava, Stella, and their desperate Mama. One day out of the NICU, trying to keep the jaundice at bay in the hopes that "evil nurses" won't re-admit them. I say "evil nurses" with a small bit of irony, but mostly honesty. One day I might be able to tell that story, but today is not that day.

And so on and so on. So tonight it is one of those nights when they went to bed way to late, so I, in turn will be going to bed way too late. No matter how tired I feel, it is just so hard to say goodbye to the day with all of those undone things listing away in my head. "I promised myself I would never go to bed with a messy kitchen/living room/playroom," what a nice thought, but after a day of playing, chasing, cuddling, tidying, cooking, etc., etc., and it's 10:00 PM and they are finally ready to go night night, and no, I don't feel like doing ANYTHING other than forgetting myself in front of some mindless, soul sucking television. 

Yes, I generally believe that TV is a mindless, soul-sucking waste of time. And yet I am guilty of indulging just a bit too much. I am guilty of using it as a babysitter so that I can finish dinner so that just this once we can actually eat dinner before 8:00 PM. I am guilty of many things. I don't really like guilt; I have seen it destroy way too many days that could have been spent doing something else. I've seen it destroy lives. I am generally not a guilty person. I have regrets, but nothing major, and nothing I allow myself to dwell on. But the guilt is there...

I feel guilty for doing things/saying things/allowing my children to eat things/allowing others to do things to my children that I KNOW AT THE TIME IS NOT HEALTHY. I would love to say I stand up for everything I believe in, especially when it comes to my kids. But I am GUILTY of being too scared to do so. Scared like-a-little-kid SCARED. And so then I feel SHAME. This is not a nice feeling either; SHAME because I was too SCARED to stand up for my children. So then I feel GUILTY for all of the damage I fear I am doing/allowing to be done. Silly? Maybe. Well, probably. But when you are trying to forge ahead into somewhat uncharted territory, when the way you parent is as foreign to most of the people around you as a new-found language or an alien would be, well, it's hard. PARENTING IS HARD enough. When you feel like you are fighting your way upstream, but continue because you know it is the RIGHT DIRECTION for you, well that is even harder.

Do I think these things matter? Yes, I do...but the real question is, do I think these things matter more than, say, how I talk to my children? No. Or how I talk to my husband, particularly in front of my children? No. Or how I have made it my personal mission to do everything I can to make sure they grow up to be happy, and healthy, and more than anything, FREE. Free to BE THEMSELVES. Free to LEAD when they need to and FOLLOW when they need to. Free to FOLLOW THEIR DREAMS, WHATEVER THEY MAY BE. Free to TRY. Free to FALL. Free to GET BACK UP. Free to LEARN AS THEY GO. 

This is what I want. Yet how can I do that when I am so far from free myself? What kind of example am I setting? I truly believe Gandhi's words, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." So this is me working on it. This is me trying to do something more constructive with my time. This is me TRYING. And that's all anyone can do, isn't it? So let's just do our best, shall we?

My next entry will be all about the first slogan of Point One of the Root Text of Mind Training, from Lojong in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition. What a mouth-full. And away we go...