Welcome to the February 2013 Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival: Honesty
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival hosted by Authentic Parenting and Living Peacefully with Children.
This month our participants have written about authenticity through
honesty. We hope you enjoy this month’s posts and consider joining us
next month when we share about Self-Expression and Conformity.
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My children are not even three years old, yet they have been lied to
many times by the adults they know. The lying is not a deliberate
manipulation; I believe it is simply about adult convenience more than
anything else. The people perpetrating these everyday lies do not
believe they are doing wrong, rather they are thoughtlessly perpetuating
the general lack of respect for children that is the norm in our
society. At its most basic, we can say that people lie to children
because they can; because it is easier to say, “There are no more
cookies,” then it is to say, “I do not want you to have any more.”
Before a certain age, that child has no way of seeing for themselves
whether or not it is true.
A favorite phrase, among certain adults I know, almost always starts
with “You don’t want…” as in, “You don’t want to touch that,” or “You
don’t want to do that.” It makes me crazy to hear this said to my
children or anyone else. Clearly, they do “want…” Clearly, you are
telling them what YOU don’t want, so why not be honest? You cannot
imagine the added level of cooperation you will get with this simple
change. And if you add to that a reason, in line with their development
and ability to understand, then all the better. This benefits your child
in two ways; first it forces you to be more considerate and reasonable,
if you need to come up with something better than, “because I said so,”
and secondly, your child is learning real reasons for why things are a
certain way, rather than learning to follow arbitrary, meaningless rules
without question. If you want your children to one day be adults who
question things when something doesn’t seem right rather than follow
along with the crowd, then it is vital that you allow them to question
you now.
Another common and equally untruthful phrase used against children
is, “You’re ok,” when the child clearly isn’t. Do you really think that
telling them that they don’t really feel the way they do is effective?
What is the goal, exactly? Again, looking at this with a longterm
perspective vs. short term convenience, it makes very little sense to
convince an impressionable child to ignore their internal feelings and
listen to someone else. Even if that someone else is you–because it
won’t always be you; eventually it will be their friends or someone
else. This tactic is very effective in producing a child who, after
continually being forced to choose between trusting himself or the very
influential, all-powerful people he looks up to, trusts neither.
Lying to children insults their intelligence, robs them of their
autonomy, and takes advantage of their size and abilities. It erodes
their sense of trust in you and people in general. Children do not
understand the difference between the lies you feel are trivial and the
really important ones that they may eventually tell you.
As children, we are programmed to lie to protect ourselves from shame
and punishments. When lies regularly become safer than the truth, this
does not magically end when we reach adulthood. I have found from
experience that this insidious “Lying to protect oneself,” continues to
cause problems throughout life, especially with partners and other close
relationships. My husband, for example, is eternally unable to admit he
is wrong, when I first try to tell him something. At least not without
an argument lasting anywhere from five minutes to an hour or more. This
has been especially true since embarking on my radical, full term
breastfeeding, respectful parenting, and soon-to-be unschooling journey
into motherhood. To say this has challenged everything he has ever known
would be an understatement. It has challenged me as well, but this was a
challenge I chose; he has been dragged, at times kicking and screaming,
along for the ride. As a result, there have been many arguments–big
ones. Things are improving though; partly through my increasing ability
to communicate more effectively, thus making him see reason sooner
(because I AM always right, after all) and the fact that I have been
making a concerted effort to ensure he feels safe to put his ego aside
and really listen. It wasn’t always like this, mostly due to my own
significant issues with trust, and unconsciously held beliefs that being
right at any cost is more important than peace and happiness. Because
to be wrong is death in the eyes of most children; it is shame,
loneliness, confusion and pain–emotional and often physical. So I choose
my words carefully; I strive for authenticity in all that I do. I am a
work in progress, and I don’t lie to my children.
This post was originally published by The Badass Breastfeeder.
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