When All the Stars Were Falling...

"When all the stars were falling, they fell from above, and I thought of hate, and I thought of hate, and then I thought of love. And I fell down, down, down. I fell down, down..."

-Lisa Loeb

The bottom of the bottom.

 I'm sure you've been there, in some way or another. You, reader, whoever you are. I do not think for one second that my experience is unique or special. It is just one version of so many. Which is why I am choosing to write this. Because if I don't, I might actually, finally, go insane. Which is funny, since there are some who would say that ship has sailed many years ago.

If we are "In the arena" at all, we know what it's like to be in some type of crisis, in some way...to live is to get a little bloody after all...So I know that at some point in your journey there has been a point that has just felt so bad. So very, very bad. When you are so low, it feels like any more piled on top, will surely drown you.

That's where I have been. I have been treading water for most of my life; just keeping my head up. I have made choices that were the equivalent of attaching weights to my own ankles. And the water has been getting deeper, and the weights heavier. And along the way, I added some innocent little people who need their mama to be doing better than just treading water. My arms have, at times, been too tired to hold them. My pain too deep and strong and red-hot to cope with theirs. I realized awhile ago that this was not living. Surviving is not thriving. And I want more than anything for these little people to thrive. These little people, whose journeys I have been privileged to be part of for however long I am able. How can I possibly expect them to thrive when I am not? No...I cannot.

So awhile ago, I began the process of pulling myself out. Of releasing the weights that I alone have the power to release...because that's the thing no one told me; it's all on me and always was. I just have to let go, let go, let go...and now I have been.

It is scary; I have felt crazy. I have doubted myself. I have doubted and I have heard the voices telling me I am crazy and wrong and the problem. So much blame...never enough--no matter what I ever did, or didn't do, or felt, or said...it was not ever enough--and so I have/ finally began to reject those voices. I realized that I had spent my life dictated by them. I had spent my life trying and failing to earn the love and belonging that I should have always had. Because despite what so many people would have you and I believe, there are no prerequisites to love and belonging.

Do you know that, dear reader? Do you hear that? Let those words sink in; THERE ARE NO PREREQUISITES TO LOVE AND BELONGING. No one ever told me that. I can say with absolute certainty that I have never felt deserving of love or belonging without an ever-changing list of conditions and an exhausting amount of work.

So I've been staying away from those voices. I started taking steps away from them...physically and in my heart, which I can say hurt more than anything I thought possible. There is a grieving that comes from rejecting those familiar voices; so painfully comfortable and normal, even. They were all I knew for so long. They taught me what I know of love, but now I choose to stop listening to those voices and love myself instead. I realized that if I kept listening to them, I would lose myself entirely and allow my children to drown in the process. So I chose me.

And as I was doing that they pulled the rug out from under me. Literally, as I was packing and doing everything I could to put distance between us, they gave me a great big shove to help me along. Remember how it's never good enough? Not so shockingly, my leaving wasn't either.

So now I am in an entirely different kind of hell while I wait for what comes next. I have taken the action that I can take, and now it's just a matter of time. What a painful wait it is when those things we need so badly are right there; visible, but still out of reach.

And I am most definitely just treading water here. Eating a lot of chocolate too. Dark chocolate...you know, the healthy kind. Does that make it less shameful? Probably not. But I don't care, you know...because it's a matter of survival right now. I am just trying to get through each day while I wait for the phone to ring and someone on the other end to tell me that I will soon have a home that is mine. That is ours.

So last night...I downloaded Mahjong onto my phone and laid in bed playing it, avoiding the book I really want to read but just cannot concentrate on. I haven't been able to finish a book in years...Me, who once could have polished one off in a day or two. Books were my savior; my escape, my own safe world. And now I can barely get through a page.

I was playing Mahjong and avoiding the dark; thinking of a temporary escape I had coming. Thinking of people that would provide a happy distraction from the daily distress of my current circumstances. Because to be honest, things really just suck right now, and I am holding on to those little shreds of possibility. The thought of someone reaching out to check on me; something so small that could be a lifeline these days. People are so busy with their own lives and I get it...I really do. I forget to check on them. I get busy with my own life and forget to reach out and say "How are you?" "Are you getting through it?" "Are you keeping your head above water?"  So I really do understand the silence from my phone. It's kind of funny, actually, because my number is the same (but with a different area code) as that of a large security company. Ninety-nine percent of the calls I get are from people looking for them. Even their own employees mistakenly call me. So, the irony is my phone is far from silent....I am an unpaid secretary for Chubb Security.

Then I checked Instagram...because when you're feeling down on life, there is nothing better than seeing all the fun other people are having, right...and I was hit hard by the realization that I had been purposefully left out of a family gathering for a recent holiday. To add to my humiliation, the very few people who I had been pushing myself to maybe, possibly trust, had kept me in the dark. Had gone to this gathering while I had not even known it was happening.  

It hit me like a punch in the face. Like one of those things that hurts so much I wish someone had actually punched me in the face, because that pain seems preferable. Maybe not everyone can relate to that, but then again, I'm willing to guess that many of you can.

For as long as I can remember, I wished for at least some of the emotional pain I felt to be physical instead. As a child and young adult, being yelled and screamed at, called names, and so much more, I wished for physical pain. Sometimes I wished for death. I used to unbuckle my seat belt on long drives and wonder if we crashed and I died, would they regret treating me the way that they did? That was the silly self-destructiveness of a child. As a teen, I found other ways. I pulled my hair. I ground my knuckles into walls. I tested myself to see how hot I could stand the shower water. I made the deepest gouges into my arms that my bitten nails would allow. And when that didn't work, I used razors on my arms. Anyone who has self-harmed will tell you how bittersweet that feeling is.

I've come close to that point a few times in the 15 years since. But nowhere near like the last few months. But I have not given in. I have little people watching who need to see me whole. So I will thank goddess and the universe and everything else for the healing I have found. Healing that has allowed me to finally actually cry; real, cortisol-releasing tears, without watching devastatingly sad movies or tragedies on the evening news...you might not understand what a feat this is, but I assure you, it is. There were years where I never thought I'd be able to do that again.

There have been a lot of tears. And healing. And more pain. And tears. And healing...you get the idea. At times I've wondered if I can really hold on to myself through this; day after day. But the tears come, and that tight feeling that takes my breath slowly lets go enough that I can keep going. And I think of my babies and remember why I am doing this and just focus.on.that. Just keep my eyes on them and where we are going.

And that's how I've gotten through.

That is how I will keep getting through.

But last night, I will admit...I let myself descend a bit deeper than I would have liked into that hole where blame, self-pity, powerlessness, and so many other useless-but-for-a-few-minutes-or-

hours feelings co-mingle. 

I've gotten stuck down there before. I know plenty who are stuck down there still. But since I've decided that just isn't a place I'd like to live anymore, I don't stay. I still visit...I imagine I will many times more, if I'm honest...but no, I will not stay. But last night I visited...I visited hard. I found myself face to screen with a piece of information that was quite new to me. And it hurt. It hurt so damn bad because so many of the little threads that I had been using to hold myself together while I stitched it all up just came apart in that moment. And yes, I cried. As quietly as I could, I cried huge, sobbing, self-pitying tears. And today I cried some more.

And that's ok...it really is. I am ok and I will be ok. Because I've stepped into the arena and I am not stepping out again.

Alice "How you treat the child, the child will treat the world."

Lessons In Gentle Parenting

I help run a gentle parenting group for women. The group is unique, in that we have very strict rules about the type of advice allowed, yet remain completely and utterly open to any topic of discussion. Women ask for advice about absolutely ANYTHING, and can expect to do so without judgement or condemnation. It isn't always perfect, but after 3+ years, my amazing co-admins and I have built a safe, supportive, and loving place for those who truly understand the meaning of the beautiful quote by Maya Angelou after which the group is named, "I did then what I know how to do. Now that I know better, I do better." 

One day about two years ago, a mother asked for some basic gentle parenting advice. She had no idea what the concept really meant or how it looked in practice. She wanted an idea of how to deal with every day discipline issues that commonly arise with children. I do not pretend to have all the answers, and I don't always get it right. As I write this, my kids are 5-1/2 twin girls and a boy, who will be 2 at the end of February. I am a self-confessed book addict and I have been reading about gentle parenting since I was first pregnant 6 years ago. I wrote this Gentle Parenting Basics guide in the comments under her post, and had several people ask to copy and keep it. I made it into a note in the group files, and have since added my list of favourite resources at the bottom; including  fantastic, eye-opening, life-changing books, websites, and youtube channels. Like me, this is a work in progress, and I am open to constructive ideas, questions, and comments, so please feel free to post below. I hope that at the very least, this sparks discussion and inspires you to question the norms of parenting in our society and how we view children in general. 

Let me start by saying that the number one lesson I have learned in all of my reading and all of my parenting is that this truly is a journey. There is no end; you will never be perfect, and the goal is not children who are never sad, and never struggle. The goal is not some picture-perfect family with no conflict. It is in those day to day struggles and how we handle them that we can truly shine in this guiding role in our children's lives. In the words of the wonderful and amazing Abraham Hicks, "All is well, and you never get it done."

Another thing I would like to express right off the top is that children are not our subordinates. We do not, and should not rule them. They do not reach a certain age and suddenly become people worthy of their own opinions, ideas, and personal goals. This is present from the second they are born, and actually before that. Kids really are people too. The things that are important to them, while seemingly silly and frivolous to us adults, burdened by adult troubles and stress, are as worthy of respect and consideration as our own.

As I recently explained to a friend, our children crave and need connection. When they feel connected and respected, this magical thing happens; they CARE what we need to. If we focus on setting and keeping healthy boundaries with our children (and spouses, and friends, and....), and make connection the priority, that will last as they grow, and if anything, it will get stronger and our influence will remain strong. If, on the other hand, our focus is on power OVER them, that only goes so far. Control must tighten, and the severity of punishments increase, right along with their anger, resentment, and rebellion. The most inspiring thing that I have learned from following wonderful people like Jennifer McGrail of The Path Less Taken and other mothers of older or grown children is that (gasp!) teenage rebellion is not actually an inevitable occurrence. You can have close and awesome relationships with your children throughout their lives. To do this takes effort. It takes a willingness to be human in the eyes of our children. To admit mistakes, say we are sorry, demonstrate respect, consideration, kindness, and healthy conflict resolution. We must be willing to be the imperfect people we are, and allow our children to be as well. And we must allow ourselves, and even more importantly, our children, to grow, and change, and try, and fail, and try again without condemnation and judgement. This is not an easy task, but it is a worthy one.

The first gentle parenting book I ever read was "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves," by Naomi Aldort. I cannot say enough what an important book this is for EVERY parent, no matter how old your children are. In addition to incredible tools and thought-provoking ideas about how to relate to children, Aldort outlines the five basic emotional needs of every child (And, I would contest, every person no matter their age). These needs are Love, Freedom of Self-Expression, Autonomy and Power, Emotional Safety, and Self-Esteem. She goes into great detail about how children experience these needs, and how incredibly easier our relationships can be when we honour them. This book can be found at most libraries and ordered from Amazon. I highly recommend you buy it and keep it to read more than once.

Now, I am going to be 100% honest and say that switching to gentle parenting is really damned hard if you were not raised that way. I've been at this for almost 6 years and it is still hard. You will have good days and bad. You may have a bunch of awesome days in a row, where you go to bed thinking, "Wow, why can't I be on the ball like this all the time, it's so easy!" And then the next day is a nightmare and you lose your shit and end up saying, "Mommy is soooo sorry, I am so frustrated but I should not have _______(insert common personal screw-up here). It isn't your fault, I love you." Possibly more than once. (Can you tell I am speaking from experience here?) But, when you are able to stay calm and peaceful, and your children don't fear you, it's AWESOME; it feels so good. They are happier and free and while they make mistakes, of course, they are overall so much easier to talk to and get cooperation from. Life is better for everyone. And the best part overall is the investment; you are raising human beings and if you are anything like me, you want them to be naturally independent, resilient, respectful, and self-confident. 

This is my personal list of general "rules" for myself that help me in day to day situations: When you mess up, it's ok and only fair to say you are sorry. 

Children do and will cry, and that's ok. Gentle parenting isn't about having kids who never cry. Everyone needs to cry and should be allowed to cry when they need to. Don't try to distract or shush them. No matter why they are crying (even if its because you had to set a limit and they are unhappy about it) sit down with them and put your hand on their back, offer to hold them, tell them you hear them and understand. Basically what you would do for a friend. Don't try to solve it; just listen and empathize. 

When someone is upset, they can't be reasoned with. Don't try. Sit with them until they are calm before you try to do any reasoning. 

Often you will find that once a child is calmer from a good cry or a good laugh (as Joni Mitchell said, "...laughing and crying; don't you know that it's the same release), they don't need to have anything explained to them. Children understand way more than they get credit for and often just need to release some built up emotion before they can move on. Once they are ready to move on, don't teach them to dwell by over-explaining; allow them to get on with their day and you get on with yours. 

When you need a child to listen, get close and on their level so you can meet their eyes, rather than standing back and talking or yelling. Speak as calmly as possible, give reasons for things if they are calm and listening, but also keep it simple. "We need to go in a couple of minutes because I have an appointment. Lets day goodbye to the toys." Or "We need to go out to the store, would you like to pick out your shoes?" Or whatever it is. If a child is calm, it's always respectful to give a reason that something is happening. If they stop being calm, remember they can't hear you anymore. 

When you need to set a limit, don't stand back and tell them to stop doing what they are doing, over and over until you are yelling. Obviously if they are about to step into the street or touch a hot stove, yelling to stop them is your best weapon. All the more reason your goal should be for yelling to not be the norm; they are a lot more likely to listen to you if you don't usually raise your voice. 

For regular limit setting, such as one child taking from another or hitting or whatever it is, go right over to them and physically, but gently, stop the action. Take their hand, foot, or the item and hold it until they stop. If some big feelings come out as a result of this, that's a good thing, because it is always big feelings driving those types of actions. They have a big cry or express their anger and you listen and empathize, and the problem solves itself. When everyone is calm, try to involve them in problem and conflict resolution. Don't police them; ask each what they want, listen, converse, and consider. Ask each what they think would solve the disagreement. Respect their ideas.

Children don't need lectures. They are naturally good and seeking connection with trusted caregivers. They need a good model and example. 

Don't sweat the small stuff; say yes whenever possible. Think "does this cookie/noise/booger really matter in the long run?" Am I infringing my needs onto them by demanding that this stop?

It is alright to get your needs met. Yes, parenting requires sacrifice, but there is a line and if you are not getting any sleep, ever, something needs to change. If you are overwhelmed, talk to someone who will listen. If you want to scream, give yourself a time out and go to another room to jump up and down and punch a pillow or strangle a bed post. If you have a headache and your kids have decided to play marching band or "who can shatter a window with their voice?" It is ok to say, "you need to stop doing that because I have a headache/am going to cry/need to lie down/need to make a phone call." They might not always be capable of respecting these needs, but if YOU consistently respect theirs, and consistently ask them in a respectful way to meet yours when appropriate, they will start to as well. 

Gentle parenting is not about permissive parenting or letting your kids walk all over you. It is about parenting with love and empathy and respect. Check out the resources below, and try things that make sense to you. 

Stick it on your fridge: "My child is not giving me a hard time, she is having a hard time." They are human and they make mistakes. Model tolerance, understanding and empathy. 

Take it one day at a time and one moment at a time. 

Remember that it won't always be great no matter what you do, but being a parent can be fun and enjoyable. Try to remember what it was like to be a kid and what you needed from your parents; chances are your kids need to same things; to be loved without condition, respected, accepted, and guided. 
 

Gentle Parenting Resources

Books:

"The Myth of the Spoiled Child" by Alfie Kohn
"Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves" by Naomi Aldort 
"Connection Parenting" by Pam Leo
"Out of Control" by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, PhD
"The Conscious Parent" by Shefali Tsabary, PhD 
"The Awakened Family" by Shefali Tsabary, PhD
"Two Thousand Kisses a Day" by L.R. Knost 
"The Whole Brain Child," by Dan Siegel M.D. (All of his books are good, so pick what seems best for you, or read them all!)

 

Websites:

https://drshefali.com/
http://www.naturalchild.org/articles/ 
http://www.parentingforsocialchange.com/free-parenting-article-library.html 
http://evolutionaryparenting.com/
http://www.ahaparenting.com/
http://www.handinhandparenting.org/articles 

YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKzsU94h-PkLBiF5xHo-SjQ

Specific Articles:

http://www.naturalchild.org/naomi_aldort/tame.html 
http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/misunderstand.html 

Happy Parenting!!

Alice 

 "How you treat the child, the child will treat the world."

When The Teeth Come In Or What to do when your baby bites your boob

There are many ways to teach a baby not to bite; some more gentle than others, and some more effective than others. The goal should be to send a clear message that the action is not acceptable, while maintaining your connection with your baby; NO to biting, YES to baby. This is what I found worked for me, and many other women have found it helpful.

If you have found something that works well for you, I'd absolutely LOVE to hear about it in the comments!!

You are nursing your little one, all cozy and peaceful and sweetness and love. The difficult first weeks are behind you, and things are going well. The two of you have a groove, some sweet rituals, and you are so grateful. 

Then suddenly the serenity of that perfection is shattered by tiny, razor sharp teeth. Or even more shocking, your toothless baby locks you in the surprisingly strong grip of a their jaw. You let out a yelp, or a scream, or a shocking expletive. Maybe you sit there silent screaming because that precious baby has drifted off to sleep, which for my son, was the ideal time to snap his gums closed. Either way, it's shocking and painful, and you are faced with the horrific realization that you must somehow get your nipple OUT of this death grip without it being bitten off. 

So now what? You can't pull. Don't do it...Or do, you know, because you like to learn things from experience. You will quickly discover that that perfect seal from having the great latch that you struggled so hard to achieve just a few short months ago has suddenly become your worst nightmare. To get baby off, you must break the seal. There are a couple of ways to do this. One is to quickly get one finger into you baby's mouth, push it open, and set yourself free. The other way that I found to work much quicker (because every second is precious) and can be less shocking and upsetting to your baby, is to pull their face into your breast quickly so their nose is blocked. Not enough to do damage or suffocate them, just long enough for them to try to take their next breath, find they can't and instead, open their mouth. 

At this point, they will likely look up at you, absolutely shocked and appalled that mommy would dare do such a thing. At this point, look them in the eyes with a serious, and genuinely pained expression on your face, and say, “ow, that hurt mommy, ow.” I found it helped if I gently touched the baby’s teeth/gums at this point, so they understood what I meant. 

Once you have clearly communicated this message, simply resume breastfeeding if your baby wants to. Do this consistently, every time. The message is as clear as it can be. 

Remember that they are not actually trying to hurt you. If you yell at them (and unfortunately, many mothers have found that even their initial expression of pain and surprise is enough) or sound angry, or reject them by putting them down and walking away, you are more likely to earn a nursing strike than anything else. If you have never had a breastfed baby go on strike, I will tell you it is absolutely awful. If this happens, please consult an International Lactation Board Certified Consultant; you can find one here. Do not just feed bottles and hope it resolves itself. Try to feed while baby is sleeping, and strip down and do skin to skin 24/7 until baby is nursing again, but do NOT force baby back on the boob. You can't, and it will only create more confusion and aversion. Another possible result of this type of big reaction is your little one thinks its a game. Also not the result you want! 

If you have found other gentle ways to teach your baby not to bite and other not-so-fun things, please share in the comments!

Alice

"How you treat the child, the child will treat the world."